the last time we talked?

we were doing the taxes
you were making it up
your mileage
but you didn't want to
just make it up
you wanted to look back
at the calendar
and calculate
just how many miles
you might have spent
traveling to the courthouse
and back
taking the back roads
like you liked to do
and we had worked
our way through April
and i couldn't stand it
anymore
the figuring
of taxes
without talking
about the refund
you were not going to be here
to receive
to put in 5% CDs
and save for the
retirement
you weren't agreeing to
me, wresting it from
your clinging hands.
and i started crying
just like a girl
and i stormed about
just like you taught me
and it shook you up
a minute
and we went to the living room
reserved for visitors
and sat down,
and you asked me
if i had any
questions...


was that the last time we talked?

i saw the butterfly--

i saw the butterfly--
the safe metaphor
full of florious
heaven and all promise
posing its questions
at the edge of
things--i trade it
for a cake pan--
round--the artistry
of your church work--
your fervent prayer--
your poetry there
at the beginning
of things.
i remember
being in the
other room
with you--
playing with
the caskets.
i was there
picking out
the stuff--
not picking
out any stuff.
i played with
your white comb,
with the gilded
edge, the gold
hairbrush and white
bristles. did you
let me play
with your
hair?

something of yours

something of yours--
your red tile--
your white kitchen--
no--yes--your cake pan--
i have a pan--
round--steel? -- it has a
wheel--a lip that pouts
in--a clasp that
tethers the two sides
together--a simple
bottom that fits
inside the ring
when its clamped shut
a space for cakes
to be made
the kind you made
for me--i taste
through the
pictures i see
the icing
the little
caricatures--
carousel horses
and striped
paper awning
you made
me 4?
or was it 5
cakes? with
your two hands.
did i help
you crack
eggs in the
kitchen?
stir the
batter?
lick the
spoons?
there is
so much
i can't
remember
that i
know you
did with me
those earliest
years--my earliest--
your latest.
were you right
about god?